Thursday, April 25, 2013

Crossfit Crazies

Warning:  I am about to make fun of everyone at Crossfit gyms... including myself.  It is supposed to be a funny reflection on our microcosm of our culture.... so if you are easily offended... go read somebody's blog about their last marathon.

I was thinking today about the different "cliques" in a Crossfit gym.  I think I'm uniquely qualified to comment because I think I've been in all of them.  I still have friends in each of them.

The "Oh Shit" Clique:
Mostly comprised of new members who are scared out of their minds the moment they walk in.  They've heard too much about Crossfit to walk away... but since they have no idea of the "schedule", they show up at a random time.  They see 30 people sweating profusely, cursing, jumping or lunging around a spartan gym... while "All I Do Is Win" is pumping out at 110 db.  There is but one thought... "WTF?"  Luckily, they glom on to each other during Foundations class and relate to each other about their nervousness.  Each one laughs self-consciously as the moves they are doing as part of the training hurt like a mother... and create an ungodly soreness the next day.  The good ones come back and put themselves through the stress all over again... until they "graduate"!

Unfortunately, this leads to doing their first real Crossfit WOD.  They are just like every other person in the class that is supposed to know what is going on... except they don't.  What was a clean again?  How do I set up for that move?  How much does the bar weigh?  Except now they feel like they are IN THE WAY... of the LEET (geek speak for Elite) athletes.... and they are.

The LEET (Elite) Clique:
You know who you are.  If you go 15 minutes without talking about your last PR to someone, checking out a new video from Spealer, or reviewing last years standings at the Games; you get jittery and have to do a quick Mobility WOD from Stark.  Your mind is focused on your "strategery" for today's WOD and how you will "destrominate" your last score.

You and your "inner circle" all hang out in the same spot at the same time at the box.  And you NEVER, EVER, call it the "gym".  Your gym (whoops... Box) bag contains the following:  the "post WOD" protein shaker full of the most LEET recovery powder, two Rogue speed ropes, weightlifting shoes, knee wraps, weight belt, Junk Brand headband, 4 lacrosse balls, a roller foam, a PVC pipe, your own barbell and KB, and a little person to count your reps and hold you to "CF Game" standards.  Oh, I almost forgot... your spare Lululemon shorts.

You only talk to other "Leet" people before the WOD, but when you finish 15 minutes before everyone else, you walk around encouraging the mere mortals.  Luckily, you have all that extra time to practice your muscle-up or HSPUs or Snatch.  Just make sure you do it loudly for everyone else to hear.  Finally, collapsing on the floor is a requirement.

The "Big Middle":
Yawn.  Sorry, but you guys are boring to write about, but you sure pay the bills and the other cliques thank you.

The "I'll Make Up My Own Damn WOD":
The "I've been coming for a long time and have this injury or not sure I like this WOD" crew.  We like to hang out on the periphery and take it ALL in.  But please don't expect us to jump all gung ho and shit into the WOD.  That looks like actual hard work and we are here to WOD... but it's an ALT WOD... cause you know... we are injured and stuff.

Hell, we might even take out my protein shake out half-way through YOUR WOD and walk around encouraging you.  That way you aren't sure if we actually kicked your ass in the WOD, or we are a crappy trainer, or just a D-Bag.  (Hint: it's the last one.)

Finally, we talk about how the last WOD really hurt and the doctor said no more squats, but we told him to "f-off".... but in reality, we are using his advice to rationalize never do heavy back squats again.

Which clique are you?


  1. The leet crowd!

  2. Here is my take on the clicks. But just my opinion:) I love all my athletes!

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