10 Things I Wish I Could Say at Work

I love my job.  I really do.  No sarcasm at all.  I love the people I work with, but there are things that drive me a little crazy sometimes.  To allay some of that craziness, here is a compilation of things I wish I could say at work:

10.  "No I don't watch American Idol, Big Brother, Survivor, or the Amazing Race... please don't explain last night's episode to me."
9. "If you ask me about my weekend and I say 'it was fine.', that is not an invitation for you to give a 40 minute debrief on yours."
8. "No, I'm not on a conference call.  I wear this goofy headset because it makes me feel cool."
7. "Please stop IM'ing me to find out if you can call me, to tell me you sent me an email."
6. "Why are you asking everyone around you what the name of that guy in that movie you saw 10 years ago?  GOOGLE IT!"
5.  "I know your weekend was epic, but it's after lunch on Monday and the statue of limitations for you talking about it has expired."
4.  "Yeah, you're great at sales, but you suck at parking."
3.  "Why yes, I do think a well timed f-bomb is strong motivator."
2.  "I hope you enjoyed those beans on the way in because I'm not enjoying them on the way out."

and the one I really would like to say to a few people:

1. "Where can I learn to kiss ass like that?  Wait...nevermind, I actually know how to do my job."